for the end of the world...

I am that type of girl. The one that sometimes feels like a break up or money problems or a mistake or an A- just may be the end of the world...who needs to wait until December 21st, 2012 when it all comes crashing down at my own accord anyway, at unexplainable moments? Needless to say, one of my goals for 2012 is to take a chill pill and embrace the future, smiling all the way.
This is the toughest battle I have ever fought. The battle against myself and what I want to know of who I am. Against discouragment, doubt, despair, lack of diligence,
The armor of God has never been more necessary than in this day of age.

Learnings:
1- People Matter, Things Don't
2- Sometimes, decisions are just hard and sometimes, you have to make hard decisions without anyone's help...even Heavenly Father.
3- Sewing a bag using old jeans is a lot better than going out and buying a not as awesome bag for $40+
4- I LOVE children, they say the darnest things and much of the time have more wisdom than most adults. They are a lot more honest too.
5- Things never work out the way you expect them to...ever. But that shouldn't keep you from having expectations. Heavenly Father has a way of adjusting our plans, but he can't adjust what we don't have!
6- Consistancy...without that, I'll never get where I need to go. Practicing, reading scriptures, developing habits, sticking with decisions, praying,sleep patterns (no more of this 2 AM business...I hope to never see you again! Nothing good happens when you are making an appreance) cleanliness, education and learning, family, friends. It applies to anything, really.
7- WAIT!
8- It's okay to have weaknesses. It is okay to struggle. It is not okay to make that the focus of my life. 2 Nephi 2 in a nice, little, neatly wrapped package of JOY!
9- I'm gonna be a seminary teacher, wife and mother. Not necessarily in that order, and not at the same time and most likely not in the way that I think it will happen.
10- The Spirit is NEVER noisy and is ALWAYS still.

Okay this being said, What is MY New Years Resolution, You might ask?

Spiritually and Temporally self reliant by Christmas Day, 2012. This is my gift to my parents, to myself and mostly to Christ. To be able to stand before Him, ready to meet my Maker and confidently say I have done all I can do to not procrastinate, to follow the commandments, to listen to the prophets, to emerse myself in service, to learn Charity. Goals Attainable through miracles and mercy.

for the battles of mind and heart....

I am a piece of work... a work in progress... progressing towards perfection... perfection that only comes from an eternity made of moments... moments that matter most.

1- carving pumpkins after Halloween
2- Visiting dear friends and laughing from the diaphragm
3- Peace of mind
4- The cool breeze
5- Games with my sisters
6- Understanding 20th century homework
7- Days off from marching band
8- Muffled city busy-ness
9- Perspective
10- five dollar footlongs
11- Singing Opera at the top of my lungs in the car with two dear friends that have changed my life
12- Friends who care for me and would give me the shirt off their back if I needed it
13- Eating breakfast with my dad
14- The feeling of the seasons changing
15- Norwegian kickball and getting bowled over
16- Mormon messages
17- Christmas music
18- Play doh
19- Ice cream!
20- Much needed drives into the mountains

I feel as if my life is a busy signal...a dead line on the other end. The phone is off the hook, disconnected fog between what I thought I was and what I want to be. This may be the toughest, most exhausting, most trying battle of my life and I'm not even sure what side I'm fighting for or against. I know whose team I want to be on, but am I worthy to consider myself so? I know who wins in the end, but am I willing? Or rather, am I able?

for the world's impossibles...

I have a few goals (several, in fact) that are not anything grand in the eyes of the world, and yet ironically are completely unattainable by the world's standards. And also quite possibly will make all the difference in the world to me and for me.
In no particular order...

1- Learn to drive a manuel transmission
2- Go hang-gliding
3- Change someone's life for the better anonymously
4- Backpack through Europe
5- Sleep in a snow cave that I made myself
6- Visit all 50 States (13 down, 37 more to go!)
7- Get something published
8- Fly an airplane
9- Win Jess at Egyptian Rats
10- Wear out my temple shoes
11- Build a treehouse
12- Take a porch swing to a drive-in movie theater
13- Learn something new, interesting and exciting every day of my life
14- Speak at least 2 other languages (preferably Italiano be one of them)
15- Have a family and teach them all I know, and even some things that I don't. Especially how to love and how to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.
16- Witness the Northern Lights

These are just to name a few, of course, for it is subject to change. Right now, every one of them seems attainable and I have my Heavenly Father to thank for that. Through my loving family, dear friends and the Prophets, Apostles and the Holy Ghost's guidance and council this weekend, things have been made clear to me.

God will not do something for us that we can do for ourselves. Well, that has been made quite clear recently and I'm not sure what to do with this newly discovered trust completely. But I think I got a step closer to understanding it today! What I thought to be impossible has in fact proved possible, and though I'm still trying to adjust and trust and believe, I'm certain that I would've not been able to realize this impossiblity had it not been for the oppirtunity to make my own decision and act.

Luke 1:37 - "For with God nothing shall be impossible"

I've learned that to be true. I hope that each of you can too.

for the seeds to be nourished...

"Now we will compare the word unto a seed. Now if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell witin your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves--this must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me." Alma 32:28

Faith is the ACT of nourishing the seed, not the seed. The act in which we have hope that everything will be okay in the end because of Christ and the atonement he performed for us. If it is not okay, it is not the end; of that I am thoroughly convinced.
My soil must be tilled and my daily habits nourishing if I'm to have true faith, and most of all, I must not cast it out by my unbelief, which has been all too apparent in the past few days. Chucking it out, then running frantically after it, plainting it again, having a lack of faith fit and casting it away again because of my fears. Thank goodness for clear distinct reminders that it's not for me to decide what seeds grow and what seeds do not. The Holy Ghost does a fine job about that without any of us trying to mess it up. We have been given so many tools to be wise and logical in our decisions. Why not test it out?

I have another interesting sidenote about the softness of our hearts. Jacob 6:5-6 is a reminder to not harden our hearts. The relationship between hard soil and soft soil really struck me. In order for a plant to grow in soil it must be tilled and fertalized before the seed will grow. Our hearts will sometimes be tilled and sometimes it will hurt. But that is the way the quenching living waters of the atonment will truly be able to help that seed thrive. We will be filled with the Love of God. As a result we will change. Charity will fill our hearts for others and we will continue to change to be come like him. When he comes again, we will see Him as He is because we will be like Him. (moroni 7:48)

How glorious it is to be learning again! Learning things that I love, being around people that care, playing music that is beautiful and loving the gospel more than ever. At the same time, I don't believe I've ever been so frustrated and been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Refining is probably uncomfortable for all precious creations though. "No comfort in a growing zone and no growing in a comfort zone!"

None of God's work ever gets done without prayer. Literally. If there is no other lesson I could've learned today, it was that one. Not one thing in the scriptures came about just because. It was always either the prayer of a family member or friend or oneself that ever got anything righteous accomplished. If anyone can think of an instance otherwise, I would like to ponder on it so let me know. It was a reminder today that we sometimes worry too much about the past or the future and forget to focus that it's what is happening in the present that really matters. That if we are doing the right things now, the future will take care of itself, so really? There is no need to worry or fear failure or pain. In fact, we should even expect to succeed because Heavenly Father expects it for us also. He wouldn't have sacrificed His only son if he hadn't.

I've been extremely grateful lately for the friends that have come into my life recently. There are a few in particular that have truly helped me to find my way in the world but not of the world. I'm convinced daily that the relationships we have are certianly no coincidence. I'm convinced, even, that there are no such things are coincidences at all.

There are certainly good things to come!

for the romantically hopeless...

Here we are again, bracing for impact. Socially, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically and yes, maybe even romantically. How exciting to be moving toward a goal now.
I am now officially enrolled as a senior at the University of Utah. Marching Band camp began today and I am stoked to be part of a group again, working towards a common goal. To dominate the Pac 12! Many adventures to come I'm sure. I'm excited about the friendships that are being rebuilt and framework for the new ones being built. It'll be an adventure to see where this next year will take me. There has been all sorts of change happening in my life. Two of my dear friends got married today and I was able to witness the sealing in the temple. The reception was great. But what I loved most was seeing how marriage is suppose to be like. Best friends, pure joy, eternally, surrounded by family and dear friends and maybe friends not as dear but still just as welcome.

Sometimes I Ache for that. Too much, quite possibly. Mostly because apparently, I'm not entirely certain the rules of "the game" yet. I've been the same story many times, so many in fact that I could probably predict how the next one will end too. So why read it again?
Then I remember, on days like today, that it'll be worth it in the end. That it's okay to be hurt a little because it just means you'll eventually tenfold more joy. I'm excited for that part.

For those precious 30 seconds and 10,000 miles...

I am trying to understand why I always feel pressed for time. Even when I have no where important to be or no one really to see. It gives new depth to the phrase "getting no where fast" and in the process I miss a lot of oppirtunities.
And yet how fast time flies! Seven months and ten days ago I came home from the most influential year and a half of my temporal and eternal life. where have I been since then?
Over 10.000 little miles on my little green car named George (morianhi-moriancumer for short): back to Phoenix, a hundred times to midway, a thousand times north and south on the freeway, probably the roughest 10,000 miles I've ever traveled. And how grateful I am for every one of them.
I've learned that taking risks is worth it.
That we truly come to understand our relationship with God in our extremeties.
That I really CAN learn to play the guitar, though I have miles yet to go with that one.
That my family means everything to me, both present and future.
That it is okay to be me, even when me is awkward, as long as me is happy and can help others be happy.
That Heavenly Father pulls through EVERY time. (funny how often we get to learn that one)
That 30 seconds can be the difference between apathy and an acute awareness of the fragility of life.
That I am quite possibly blessed with the greatest and most loyal friends this side of the universe.
That we may not fully comprehend our influence for a long while yet, but we all certainly have an influence.
That 30 seconds well used is 30 seconds not misused and abused.
That I can find strength in pain, and I can change my ways (mumford and sons reference? absolutely!)
That crazy things can happen in my imagination.
That bumpy roads certianly emphasis both strengths and weaknesses and make it very clear where our blessings come from.

In the past seven months I have had three jobs.
Wedding Reception Center
Home Depot
A Nanny
Seeing the connection? I've learned so much! There are things to learn yet...

School starts soon and I can hardly wait. Though how I will pay, I have yet to know. But what a great way to move on to the next phase of life.

Confession? I have no secrets, just a lot of an unspoken thoughts. I am an open book, however. Sometimes I just want to walk up, take him by the shoulders, and sternly say, "Could you please stop being so attractive?" and then walk away. Maybe I should just not be around when he is being so. That would probably be helpful.

Whatever discouragment tried to sneek in today was smashed today by this scripture.
Proverbs 3: 1-5. BAM! Smithereens! One that I've heard a thousand times and yet still, it answered my specific concerns today. LITERALLY blown open by the wind...well the wind helped at least.

for spring break fever...

So I've learned some more things about myself being a nanny...

* How to make butterflies out of colored paper and colored popsicle sticks
* I know how to say no
* I actually ENJOY cooking, but do NOT enjoy following recipes
* "Up" never gets old ("squirrel!")
* Sometimes, sitting down isn't an option. Once you try, you will inevitably be up again in about 30 seconds
* I'm really bad at checkers
* I have an obsession with clean counters and sinks
* It's amazing how fast maternal instincts kick in when someone is sick
* There is nothing more rewarding than helping children grow and learn...I can understand why Heavenly Father's joy is seeing us progress.
* Take advantage of EVERY teaching oppirtunity


Just a few again...I really love my job. Days like today I wonder how I'll ever possibly be able to do this "mom" thing 24/7, but I adore my two girls. Samantha has been so sick and all she's wanted to do is sleep, cuddle and watch movies. Sarah and I have been playing battleship and I found out I'm just about as good at battleship as I am at checkers. Good times.

'Tis the season for marriage I suppose. I was able to see one of my best friends be married for time and eternity in the temple this past thursday. That was probably a life changing moment, and not just for her. I know that's where joy comes. Eternal families. And to be honest with you, I don't know if I knew that before. I believed it. I knew others knew it. I have felt it. But this was different. Three more of my friends are being married on saturday and several others are engaged or soon to be engaged.

And then there is me... I'm doing something wrong. There is this guy, but wow do I dread getting my hopes up ever again, which might put a damper on things. I don't know about this whole dating thing... Arranged marriage is looking more and more like a great idea.

I'm heading to Phoenix with Samantha Williams (I still have troubles calling her just Samantha) and JessiKa! I'm fairly certain only Samantha williams understands the excitment of seeing New River again and setting up dinner appointments and meetings just like old times! Only four more days!!! Look out AZ!