for the college graduate...

The graduation portion of my life feels surreal.  In all actuality, most of my life seems surreal right now.  But...they tell me I've done it so I suppose I must believe them.

I have now been home from my mission for two years and one day.  I have graduated with my BMU in Instrumental Performance.  I have successfully learned that grades are really not all they are cracked up to be and relationships are more important than the world makes them out to be.  I have attended the temple regularly for two years, once a week, every week.  (or pretty close)  I have moved to the great city of Holladay (I still don't know how to spell it!) into a great apartment with three wonderful roommates.  What tender mercies in a time that I felt like I was getting no where fast!  Somehow, with all my missteps and wrong turns, Heavenly Father got me where I needed to be at this time, surrounded by people He knew I would need.

What now? says every college student ever including me.  I have many options, most of them good.  Or I could just run home, and spend my life in my families basement.  I suppose choosing between bad and good has never been a trouble for me.  It's the choosing between the good and the better that's the struggle.  Oh, and when "best" gets thrown into the mix, well that just may be too much.  I spend so much time consumed in concerns of which road will lead me to just the right place at just the right time and forget to get out of my own head and realize that there are bucket lists to be explored and people to care about and relaxing to be had.  

I am looking forward with anticipation to a life full of steps, maybe missed, and turns that might be wrong in order to do the best I can at learning and doing what I need to do to make a difference in the world like I want. The ability to create is phenomenal and this is the gift I would like to cultivate for the future.  I have goals to commence creation of music, better lives, smiles, happiness, testimony, conversion, families, and joy. What better use of my degree is there?

for the broken hearted....

This entry will be a work in progress.  A compilation of what struggles and heartaches can do for a soul. 

Feelings hurt.  Hurting isn't bad, it just means it hurts.  Sometimes a lot.  And Sometimes you have no one else to blame but yourself for those hurts or event the hurts of others. 

The wonderful news, though, is that we don't have to blame.  That thankfully, Someone has already paid for those and sincere repentence and changes will help our broken hearts more easily be filled with love and happiness and hope. 

Many successes have come from this past week.  I comprehend how much Heavenly Father is there for me and how His Son Jesus Christ can and will heal all pain.  I'm learning a lot about understanding and accepting and doing God's will, how our agency is key in this plan, even as much as I don't want to have to make difficult decisions, like, ever.   I made one this week, and I will continue to make them, no matter what others decide to do.

I decide that other peoples weaknesses or short comings do not determine my happiness.    Just because someone else wears this or does that or says whatever dosen't make them any less valued in Heavenly Father's eyes, nor do they have any less of a right to be on this earth struggling as I do.

This is the hardest thing I've been through.  Hands down.  I hope it opens my heart to a little bit more love.  I hope you all know how I love you.

For the Inconsistent...

One thing I must learn is consistency. I consider my lack of consistency one of my biggest weaknesses and have pondered many times how one develops consistency. (If any of you faithful readers have an idea or two, I wouldn't mind.) You know what's funny? The other trait I consider to be my biggest weakeness? My unwillingness to look outside myself and stop focusing on the "I, Me, My, Myself, etc." of situations. In the end that could be a matter of consistency also if you think about it long enough. It's been three years since I have entered the glorious spiritual university that is called the MTC. How amazing it is that we can do so much with our lives and feel like we have come full circle.

For the married, soon to be married, or the hopefuls out there....

I can't figure out how to get a link so...I'm just gonna explain how to get there.

http://speeches.byu.edu/
go to search by topic
click on relationships.
click on love with the spirit and with the understanding by Marlin K. Jensen


So this may be really molly mormonish of me, but I can't help but post something that made a strong impression upon me today.

for all your prayers...

Warning: Prayer Works! When you pray for strength, a change of heart and more sincere love, you will have all the opportunities necessary to fulfill that request. This concept has never been quite as clear to me as it is now. I look back on the past year and a half of my life and think of the general thought processes and how they have changed. I remember that in august of last year, I asked sincerely (maybe for the first time with pure sincerity) that my motives would be purified, my love for others would be more sincere and that my faith would be strengthened. I also understood that up to that point, I have had very little trials in my life- at least ones that were anything more than superfluous. Silly me I even thought to myself "Man, I have it easy!" I suppose that is something that should never be thought to anyone, especially myself. I felt so good and content. I felt the spirit strongly often in my life and had the distinct impression of hope. I also recall feeling a little bit of anticipation for the opportunities ahead. Returning to school, receiving a degree, romanticizing about friends, family and good times. Amongst all this I do remember one time in particular when I received a strong impression to not harden my heart and to increase in charity. Unfortunately, of that impression I had a very shallow understanding. Little did I know how these little impressions would prepare me for the road that lay ahead and for the journey I am still on, probably only just beginning. Though less than visible, mostly internal, the trials of my life have been refining and numerous, and i suspect they will continue to be. I believe I've forgotten that doing the things the gospel suggests do not eliminate our trials, no matter how difficult or even unbearable they seem...their heaviness is simply lightened. I believe it's a blessing that I was given the gift of determination to prove something to myself and to Heavenly Father. I feel like this big ball of mistakes sometimes, but for some reason I'm still here and every day I hope to say "I'll try again today and try my hardest and my best" Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop and switch from getting one useless degree to another. I don't regret the knowledge and skill...just the degree choice. Maybe I'll do something crazy like take a photography class or go hang gliding or something amazing that I love. Elementary ed maybe? Every 24 year old mormon girls dream right? I just wanted to thank everyone for their love and patience and hope. You are all examples of perseverance, happiness and strength. Not the superficial physical kind but the kind that is deep. You have no idea how much of an impression you have made on me. Some great experiences have happened to me this past year and it has been wonderful, I don't want to give the impression that it's all been dismal and hopeless, because I have learned so much about myself about friendship, love and the gospel. I love going on adventures and it's been a mild winter for which I am grateful. I have had very special moments reminding me that it's okay to keep going and that there are hands, unseen and seen, that are lifting me, rooting for me, and fighting on my side, Just as I know that battles are being fought for you. This summer has a lot of great things in store for it because we are gonna make it so! We've already hit the zoo, the natural history museum, temple trip galour, and soon camping at Zion's, going to nauvoo to be spiritually edified and enlightened (after a 22 hour bus ride? YIKES!), summer classes, family reunions and so much time spent outside! This summer the sun and I are going to be good friends. If anyone wants any excuse to go strengthen their relationship with the sun also, please let me know and we'll schedule something wonderful. Today I felt hopeful, which is probably why I've had the courage to write this right now. I was looking out the window and I feel that our pains and struggles are not in vain.

for the end of the world...

I am that type of girl. The one that sometimes feels like a break up or money problems or a mistake or an A- just may be the end of the world...who needs to wait until December 21st, 2012 when it all comes crashing down at my own accord anyway, at unexplainable moments? Needless to say, one of my goals for 2012 is to take a chill pill and embrace the future, smiling all the way.
This is the toughest battle I have ever fought. The battle against myself and what I want to know of who I am. Against discouragment, doubt, despair, lack of diligence,
The armor of God has never been more necessary than in this day of age.

Learnings:
1- People Matter, Things Don't
2- Sometimes, decisions are just hard and sometimes, you have to make hard decisions without anyone's help...even Heavenly Father.
3- Sewing a bag using old jeans is a lot better than going out and buying a not as awesome bag for $40+
4- I LOVE children, they say the darnest things and much of the time have more wisdom than most adults. They are a lot more honest too.
5- Things never work out the way you expect them to...ever. But that shouldn't keep you from having expectations. Heavenly Father has a way of adjusting our plans, but he can't adjust what we don't have!
6- Consistancy...without that, I'll never get where I need to go. Practicing, reading scriptures, developing habits, sticking with decisions, praying,sleep patterns (no more of this 2 AM business...I hope to never see you again! Nothing good happens when you are making an appreance) cleanliness, education and learning, family, friends. It applies to anything, really.
7- WAIT!
8- It's okay to have weaknesses. It is okay to struggle. It is not okay to make that the focus of my life. 2 Nephi 2 in a nice, little, neatly wrapped package of JOY!
9- I'm gonna be a seminary teacher, wife and mother. Not necessarily in that order, and not at the same time and most likely not in the way that I think it will happen.
10- The Spirit is NEVER noisy and is ALWAYS still.

Okay this being said, What is MY New Years Resolution, You might ask?

Spiritually and Temporally self reliant by Christmas Day, 2012. This is my gift to my parents, to myself and mostly to Christ. To be able to stand before Him, ready to meet my Maker and confidently say I have done all I can do to not procrastinate, to follow the commandments, to listen to the prophets, to emerse myself in service, to learn Charity. Goals Attainable through miracles and mercy.