For those who fall...

Drafting my thoughts gets harder and harder it seems.  Obsessed with saying things exactly the right way, writing gets more difficult when there really is no way to say things exactly right.  The fear of sounding superficial and naive often causes me to draft a post and never publish it.  In my mind, my words should never sound like the chorus of a Taylor Swift song.  Actually, that would be one of my worst nightmares.  The typical "what hurts the most", "never never never never (to the 3rd power) getting back together", "somebody I used to know" are fine for certain times, but rarely do they dig deep enough to be anything close to cathartic. 

This post is about falling.  An ice skating outing with my sisters on President's Day proved to be more enlightening then I thought Ice Skating could be, especially in a simple, crowded oval rink.  It was wonderful to spend time with my sisters.  I think back on the days that we used to breathe each others air all the time, and that was just too much for us. 

Anyway, aside from that, I took a moment to observe all the children out on the ice and different reactions they were having to being on a terribly slippery, cold surface, some for the first time, some with a little more experience.  There was the girl who was clinging to the edge that needed endless encouragement and reassurance from a loving grandma.  Then there were those in the middle who were obviously struggling but didn't seem to fear trying to go as fast as they could and fall every 10 seconds or so.  And there was the girl who clearly had dreams of Olympic figure skating dreams in her future.  I have to admit, my childhood dreams of being so graceful came flooding back as I watched her.  But, I have learned in my 25 years that grace just isn't my forte.  I skated on, observing, and wondered how many falls this little girl maybe 10 years old had taken in order to be as graceful and confident as she appeared.  I wondered what the parents had taught the children who didn't seem to be afraid to fall. 

Simply put, it became really clear to me how okay it is to fall down, especially if it means taking a risk or two or a hundred, even if it hurts.  Even more so impressed upon my mind was the idea of how much I want my children to know that it is okay to fall down, instead of fearing, clinging desperately to the edge of the rink.  It is okay, even necessary, to fall and to hurt a little.  What's that famous Micheal Jordan quote?  The reason he is as great as he is is that he has missed game winning shots thousands of times.  Something like that.  The only person defeated is the person that stays down, or even has no reason to go down at all. 

It is wonderful to know that getting up is always an option.  I saw many parents, siblings and friends lifting up and comforting and encouraging.  Being lifted or lifting others, both sides is beautiful.  It is important to be happy, yes, but it is important to allow comfort in also.  Sometimes, I just need to be lifted.  And that suddenly seemed quite acceptable.

for those who fear fear....

Perhaps The Biggest Looser motivation-to-evaluate-and-change-my-life-for-the-better bug has me caught. Maybe it's the inspiring back up music as we viewers relate to the lives of those changing on the show, or maybe it's the intensely predictable but oh-so-effective deceiving commercial breaks leaving us in anticipation for those silly beeping numbers to finally settle.  In any case, reflecting upon the past seems to often be at the forefrtont of my mind.

Events have occurred, discussions have been had and decisions have been made in the past couple days that have led me to face the obvious truth that I am no longer the Melanie Pehrson of 2 years ago.  Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I have certainly grown out of and from that Melanie that 2 years ago had no idea what lessons the Supreme Creator had in store for me.  So many people have been patient as I have struggled, fought and dragged myself through slim, muck, snow, rearenders, breakups, poor scores, low self esteem...all sorts of mists of darkness.

 As I have mentioned before, days, weeks and sometimes months I felt like I did nothing but fall backwards, submitting over and over to mediocrity at best, which fortunately blew holes in my pride every time.  But something miraculous was happening all along that process that still I'm just comprehending.  Heavenly Father is doing exactly what he said he would do!  Imagine that.  The Omniscient, Omnipotent  Being has lived up to His Word.  I feel my heart and motivation changing.  I feel love purer than ever for myself and for those around me and I am learning the ever-learned lesson that through faith, everything that is expedient for me to accomplish what I need to accomplish will be given.

Sifting through doubts does more than ignoring doubts ever did.  Considering them, examining why they are there, analyzing their validity and putting them in their proper place is much more effective for me than pushing them aside, trying to avoid, fearing that some great truth might come by and, Heaven forbid, help me realize that I might need to change a few things. 


These are the scattered 1:30AM thoughts of a girl who isn't feeling quite at home right now, in a house sitting job in a condo that is not my own. Who am I, really?  Not who I was two years ago.  Starting now, I don't have to be tied down by my doubts or fears or even my fears of my doubts. 

for the college graduate...

The graduation portion of my life feels surreal.  In all actuality, most of my life seems surreal right now.  But...they tell me I've done it so I suppose I must believe them.

I have now been home from my mission for two years and one day.  I have graduated with my BMU in Instrumental Performance.  I have successfully learned that grades are really not all they are cracked up to be and relationships are more important than the world makes them out to be.  I have attended the temple regularly for two years, once a week, every week.  (or pretty close)  I have moved to the great city of Holladay (I still don't know how to spell it!) into a great apartment with three wonderful roommates.  What tender mercies in a time that I felt like I was getting no where fast!  Somehow, with all my missteps and wrong turns, Heavenly Father got me where I needed to be at this time, surrounded by people He knew I would need.

What now? says every college student ever including me.  I have many options, most of them good.  Or I could just run home, and spend my life in my families basement.  I suppose choosing between bad and good has never been a trouble for me.  It's the choosing between the good and the better that's the struggle.  Oh, and when "best" gets thrown into the mix, well that just may be too much.  I spend so much time consumed in concerns of which road will lead me to just the right place at just the right time and forget to get out of my own head and realize that there are bucket lists to be explored and people to care about and relaxing to be had.  

I am looking forward with anticipation to a life full of steps, maybe missed, and turns that might be wrong in order to do the best I can at learning and doing what I need to do to make a difference in the world like I want. The ability to create is phenomenal and this is the gift I would like to cultivate for the future.  I have goals to commence creation of music, better lives, smiles, happiness, testimony, conversion, families, and joy. What better use of my degree is there?

for the broken hearted....

This entry will be a work in progress.  A compilation of what struggles and heartaches can do for a soul. 

Feelings hurt.  Hurting isn't bad, it just means it hurts.  Sometimes a lot.  And Sometimes you have no one else to blame but yourself for those hurts or event the hurts of others. 

The wonderful news, though, is that we don't have to blame.  That thankfully, Someone has already paid for those and sincere repentence and changes will help our broken hearts more easily be filled with love and happiness and hope. 

Many successes have come from this past week.  I comprehend how much Heavenly Father is there for me and how His Son Jesus Christ can and will heal all pain.  I'm learning a lot about understanding and accepting and doing God's will, how our agency is key in this plan, even as much as I don't want to have to make difficult decisions, like, ever.   I made one this week, and I will continue to make them, no matter what others decide to do.

I decide that other peoples weaknesses or short comings do not determine my happiness.    Just because someone else wears this or does that or says whatever dosen't make them any less valued in Heavenly Father's eyes, nor do they have any less of a right to be on this earth struggling as I do.

This is the hardest thing I've been through.  Hands down.  I hope it opens my heart to a little bit more love.  I hope you all know how I love you.

For the Inconsistent...

One thing I must learn is consistency. I consider my lack of consistency one of my biggest weaknesses and have pondered many times how one develops consistency. (If any of you faithful readers have an idea or two, I wouldn't mind.) You know what's funny? The other trait I consider to be my biggest weakeness? My unwillingness to look outside myself and stop focusing on the "I, Me, My, Myself, etc." of situations. In the end that could be a matter of consistency also if you think about it long enough. It's been three years since I have entered the glorious spiritual university that is called the MTC. How amazing it is that we can do so much with our lives and feel like we have come full circle.

For the married, soon to be married, or the hopefuls out there....

I can't figure out how to get a link so...I'm just gonna explain how to get there.

http://speeches.byu.edu/
go to search by topic
click on relationships.
click on love with the spirit and with the understanding by Marlin K. Jensen


So this may be really molly mormonish of me, but I can't help but post something that made a strong impression upon me today.

for all your prayers...

Warning: Prayer Works! When you pray for strength, a change of heart and more sincere love, you will have all the opportunities necessary to fulfill that request. This concept has never been quite as clear to me as it is now. I look back on the past year and a half of my life and think of the general thought processes and how they have changed. I remember that in august of last year, I asked sincerely (maybe for the first time with pure sincerity) that my motives would be purified, my love for others would be more sincere and that my faith would be strengthened. I also understood that up to that point, I have had very little trials in my life- at least ones that were anything more than superfluous. Silly me I even thought to myself "Man, I have it easy!" I suppose that is something that should never be thought to anyone, especially myself. I felt so good and content. I felt the spirit strongly often in my life and had the distinct impression of hope. I also recall feeling a little bit of anticipation for the opportunities ahead. Returning to school, receiving a degree, romanticizing about friends, family and good times. Amongst all this I do remember one time in particular when I received a strong impression to not harden my heart and to increase in charity. Unfortunately, of that impression I had a very shallow understanding. Little did I know how these little impressions would prepare me for the road that lay ahead and for the journey I am still on, probably only just beginning. Though less than visible, mostly internal, the trials of my life have been refining and numerous, and i suspect they will continue to be. I believe I've forgotten that doing the things the gospel suggests do not eliminate our trials, no matter how difficult or even unbearable they seem...their heaviness is simply lightened. I believe it's a blessing that I was given the gift of determination to prove something to myself and to Heavenly Father. I feel like this big ball of mistakes sometimes, but for some reason I'm still here and every day I hope to say "I'll try again today and try my hardest and my best" Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop and switch from getting one useless degree to another. I don't regret the knowledge and skill...just the degree choice. Maybe I'll do something crazy like take a photography class or go hang gliding or something amazing that I love. Elementary ed maybe? Every 24 year old mormon girls dream right? I just wanted to thank everyone for their love and patience and hope. You are all examples of perseverance, happiness and strength. Not the superficial physical kind but the kind that is deep. You have no idea how much of an impression you have made on me. Some great experiences have happened to me this past year and it has been wonderful, I don't want to give the impression that it's all been dismal and hopeless, because I have learned so much about myself about friendship, love and the gospel. I love going on adventures and it's been a mild winter for which I am grateful. I have had very special moments reminding me that it's okay to keep going and that there are hands, unseen and seen, that are lifting me, rooting for me, and fighting on my side, Just as I know that battles are being fought for you. This summer has a lot of great things in store for it because we are gonna make it so! We've already hit the zoo, the natural history museum, temple trip galour, and soon camping at Zion's, going to nauvoo to be spiritually edified and enlightened (after a 22 hour bus ride? YIKES!), summer classes, family reunions and so much time spent outside! This summer the sun and I are going to be good friends. If anyone wants any excuse to go strengthen their relationship with the sun also, please let me know and we'll schedule something wonderful. Today I felt hopeful, which is probably why I've had the courage to write this right now. I was looking out the window and I feel that our pains and struggles are not in vain.