For the Inconsistent...

One thing I must learn is consistency. I consider my lack of consistency one of my biggest weaknesses and have pondered many times how one develops consistency. (If any of you faithful readers have an idea or two, I wouldn't mind.) You know what's funny? The other trait I consider to be my biggest weakeness? My unwillingness to look outside myself and stop focusing on the "I, Me, My, Myself, etc." of situations. In the end that could be a matter of consistency also if you think about it long enough. It's been three years since I have entered the glorious spiritual university that is called the MTC. How amazing it is that we can do so much with our lives and feel like we have come full circle.

For the married, soon to be married, or the hopefuls out there....

I can't figure out how to get a link so...I'm just gonna explain how to get there.

http://speeches.byu.edu/
go to search by topic
click on relationships.
click on love with the spirit and with the understanding by Marlin K. Jensen


So this may be really molly mormonish of me, but I can't help but post something that made a strong impression upon me today.

for all your prayers...

Warning: Prayer Works! When you pray for strength, a change of heart and more sincere love, you will have all the opportunities necessary to fulfill that request. This concept has never been quite as clear to me as it is now. I look back on the past year and a half of my life and think of the general thought processes and how they have changed. I remember that in august of last year, I asked sincerely (maybe for the first time with pure sincerity) that my motives would be purified, my love for others would be more sincere and that my faith would be strengthened. I also understood that up to that point, I have had very little trials in my life- at least ones that were anything more than superfluous. Silly me I even thought to myself "Man, I have it easy!" I suppose that is something that should never be thought to anyone, especially myself. I felt so good and content. I felt the spirit strongly often in my life and had the distinct impression of hope. I also recall feeling a little bit of anticipation for the opportunities ahead. Returning to school, receiving a degree, romanticizing about friends, family and good times. Amongst all this I do remember one time in particular when I received a strong impression to not harden my heart and to increase in charity. Unfortunately, of that impression I had a very shallow understanding. Little did I know how these little impressions would prepare me for the road that lay ahead and for the journey I am still on, probably only just beginning. Though less than visible, mostly internal, the trials of my life have been refining and numerous, and i suspect they will continue to be. I believe I've forgotten that doing the things the gospel suggests do not eliminate our trials, no matter how difficult or even unbearable they seem...their heaviness is simply lightened. I believe it's a blessing that I was given the gift of determination to prove something to myself and to Heavenly Father. I feel like this big ball of mistakes sometimes, but for some reason I'm still here and every day I hope to say "I'll try again today and try my hardest and my best" Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop and switch from getting one useless degree to another. I don't regret the knowledge and skill...just the degree choice. Maybe I'll do something crazy like take a photography class or go hang gliding or something amazing that I love. Elementary ed maybe? Every 24 year old mormon girls dream right? I just wanted to thank everyone for their love and patience and hope. You are all examples of perseverance, happiness and strength. Not the superficial physical kind but the kind that is deep. You have no idea how much of an impression you have made on me. Some great experiences have happened to me this past year and it has been wonderful, I don't want to give the impression that it's all been dismal and hopeless, because I have learned so much about myself about friendship, love and the gospel. I love going on adventures and it's been a mild winter for which I am grateful. I have had very special moments reminding me that it's okay to keep going and that there are hands, unseen and seen, that are lifting me, rooting for me, and fighting on my side, Just as I know that battles are being fought for you. This summer has a lot of great things in store for it because we are gonna make it so! We've already hit the zoo, the natural history museum, temple trip galour, and soon camping at Zion's, going to nauvoo to be spiritually edified and enlightened (after a 22 hour bus ride? YIKES!), summer classes, family reunions and so much time spent outside! This summer the sun and I are going to be good friends. If anyone wants any excuse to go strengthen their relationship with the sun also, please let me know and we'll schedule something wonderful. Today I felt hopeful, which is probably why I've had the courage to write this right now. I was looking out the window and I feel that our pains and struggles are not in vain.

for the end of the world...

I am that type of girl. The one that sometimes feels like a break up or money problems or a mistake or an A- just may be the end of the world...who needs to wait until December 21st, 2012 when it all comes crashing down at my own accord anyway, at unexplainable moments? Needless to say, one of my goals for 2012 is to take a chill pill and embrace the future, smiling all the way.
This is the toughest battle I have ever fought. The battle against myself and what I want to know of who I am. Against discouragment, doubt, despair, lack of diligence,
The armor of God has never been more necessary than in this day of age.

Learnings:
1- People Matter, Things Don't
2- Sometimes, decisions are just hard and sometimes, you have to make hard decisions without anyone's help...even Heavenly Father.
3- Sewing a bag using old jeans is a lot better than going out and buying a not as awesome bag for $40+
4- I LOVE children, they say the darnest things and much of the time have more wisdom than most adults. They are a lot more honest too.
5- Things never work out the way you expect them to...ever. But that shouldn't keep you from having expectations. Heavenly Father has a way of adjusting our plans, but he can't adjust what we don't have!
6- Consistancy...without that, I'll never get where I need to go. Practicing, reading scriptures, developing habits, sticking with decisions, praying,sleep patterns (no more of this 2 AM business...I hope to never see you again! Nothing good happens when you are making an appreance) cleanliness, education and learning, family, friends. It applies to anything, really.
7- WAIT!
8- It's okay to have weaknesses. It is okay to struggle. It is not okay to make that the focus of my life. 2 Nephi 2 in a nice, little, neatly wrapped package of JOY!
9- I'm gonna be a seminary teacher, wife and mother. Not necessarily in that order, and not at the same time and most likely not in the way that I think it will happen.
10- The Spirit is NEVER noisy and is ALWAYS still.

Okay this being said, What is MY New Years Resolution, You might ask?

Spiritually and Temporally self reliant by Christmas Day, 2012. This is my gift to my parents, to myself and mostly to Christ. To be able to stand before Him, ready to meet my Maker and confidently say I have done all I can do to not procrastinate, to follow the commandments, to listen to the prophets, to emerse myself in service, to learn Charity. Goals Attainable through miracles and mercy.

for the battles of mind and heart....

I am a piece of work... a work in progress... progressing towards perfection... perfection that only comes from an eternity made of moments... moments that matter most.

1- carving pumpkins after Halloween
2- Visiting dear friends and laughing from the diaphragm
3- Peace of mind
4- The cool breeze
5- Games with my sisters
6- Understanding 20th century homework
7- Days off from marching band
8- Muffled city busy-ness
9- Perspective
10- five dollar footlongs
11- Singing Opera at the top of my lungs in the car with two dear friends that have changed my life
12- Friends who care for me and would give me the shirt off their back if I needed it
13- Eating breakfast with my dad
14- The feeling of the seasons changing
15- Norwegian kickball and getting bowled over
16- Mormon messages
17- Christmas music
18- Play doh
19- Ice cream!
20- Much needed drives into the mountains

I feel as if my life is a busy signal...a dead line on the other end. The phone is off the hook, disconnected fog between what I thought I was and what I want to be. This may be the toughest, most exhausting, most trying battle of my life and I'm not even sure what side I'm fighting for or against. I know whose team I want to be on, but am I worthy to consider myself so? I know who wins in the end, but am I willing? Or rather, am I able?

for the world's impossibles...

I have a few goals (several, in fact) that are not anything grand in the eyes of the world, and yet ironically are completely unattainable by the world's standards. And also quite possibly will make all the difference in the world to me and for me.
In no particular order...

1- Learn to drive a manuel transmission
2- Go hang-gliding
3- Change someone's life for the better anonymously
4- Backpack through Europe
5- Sleep in a snow cave that I made myself
6- Visit all 50 States (13 down, 37 more to go!)
7- Get something published
8- Fly an airplane
9- Win Jess at Egyptian Rats
10- Wear out my temple shoes
11- Build a treehouse
12- Take a porch swing to a drive-in movie theater
13- Learn something new, interesting and exciting every day of my life
14- Speak at least 2 other languages (preferably Italiano be one of them)
15- Have a family and teach them all I know, and even some things that I don't. Especially how to love and how to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.
16- Witness the Northern Lights

These are just to name a few, of course, for it is subject to change. Right now, every one of them seems attainable and I have my Heavenly Father to thank for that. Through my loving family, dear friends and the Prophets, Apostles and the Holy Ghost's guidance and council this weekend, things have been made clear to me.

God will not do something for us that we can do for ourselves. Well, that has been made quite clear recently and I'm not sure what to do with this newly discovered trust completely. But I think I got a step closer to understanding it today! What I thought to be impossible has in fact proved possible, and though I'm still trying to adjust and trust and believe, I'm certain that I would've not been able to realize this impossiblity had it not been for the oppirtunity to make my own decision and act.

Luke 1:37 - "For with God nothing shall be impossible"

I've learned that to be true. I hope that each of you can too.

for the seeds to be nourished...

"Now we will compare the word unto a seed. Now if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell witin your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves--this must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me." Alma 32:28

Faith is the ACT of nourishing the seed, not the seed. The act in which we have hope that everything will be okay in the end because of Christ and the atonement he performed for us. If it is not okay, it is not the end; of that I am thoroughly convinced.
My soil must be tilled and my daily habits nourishing if I'm to have true faith, and most of all, I must not cast it out by my unbelief, which has been all too apparent in the past few days. Chucking it out, then running frantically after it, plainting it again, having a lack of faith fit and casting it away again because of my fears. Thank goodness for clear distinct reminders that it's not for me to decide what seeds grow and what seeds do not. The Holy Ghost does a fine job about that without any of us trying to mess it up. We have been given so many tools to be wise and logical in our decisions. Why not test it out?

I have another interesting sidenote about the softness of our hearts. Jacob 6:5-6 is a reminder to not harden our hearts. The relationship between hard soil and soft soil really struck me. In order for a plant to grow in soil it must be tilled and fertalized before the seed will grow. Our hearts will sometimes be tilled and sometimes it will hurt. But that is the way the quenching living waters of the atonment will truly be able to help that seed thrive. We will be filled with the Love of God. As a result we will change. Charity will fill our hearts for others and we will continue to change to be come like him. When he comes again, we will see Him as He is because we will be like Him. (moroni 7:48)

How glorious it is to be learning again! Learning things that I love, being around people that care, playing music that is beautiful and loving the gospel more than ever. At the same time, I don't believe I've ever been so frustrated and been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Refining is probably uncomfortable for all precious creations though. "No comfort in a growing zone and no growing in a comfort zone!"

None of God's work ever gets done without prayer. Literally. If there is no other lesson I could've learned today, it was that one. Not one thing in the scriptures came about just because. It was always either the prayer of a family member or friend or oneself that ever got anything righteous accomplished. If anyone can think of an instance otherwise, I would like to ponder on it so let me know. It was a reminder today that we sometimes worry too much about the past or the future and forget to focus that it's what is happening in the present that really matters. That if we are doing the right things now, the future will take care of itself, so really? There is no need to worry or fear failure or pain. In fact, we should even expect to succeed because Heavenly Father expects it for us also. He wouldn't have sacrificed His only son if he hadn't.

I've been extremely grateful lately for the friends that have come into my life recently. There are a few in particular that have truly helped me to find my way in the world but not of the world. I'm convinced daily that the relationships we have are certianly no coincidence. I'm convinced, even, that there are no such things are coincidences at all.

There are certainly good things to come!