Can you please get along?
Nearly two and wide awake, and thoughts of my ironically intricate life are swimming aimlessly through my thinking. These intricacies have everything to do with the heart, which makes it even more difficult that my brain spends so much time meddling with them, especially at such an hour as this. After some contemplation, I have come to a conclusion. Something needs to be done about this silly brain of mine. And my heart...and probably the rest of me. I feel less then prepared to meet life square in the face and say "I am worth what my heart wants most", I still see the truth of a life riddled with imperfections, mediocrity, uncertainty....
and yet still FULL of LOVE. Trusted love. Honest love.
This intricate riddle is filled with people from across the globe, literally. And I have been homesick for each one of these wonderful people, all at the same time. I wouldn't say I'm homesick for the places, just the people those places remind me of. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that my decisions, even if they always seem at least a little less then confident, have led me to know such wonderful people from so many walks of life.
Might they have been walked differently, who knows, but "might" seems so currently unnecessary considering that my life, looking back, seems anything but unintentional. I am certain people are placed in our lives purposefully, by a Being who loves us.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Friday, October 11, 2013
For the heavy hearts to carry...
Contrary to popular belief, Valentine's day was not invented by the hallmark card company to make more money and give reason to feel particularly sick to one's stomach about that recent break up many experience, inconveniently around this time of year. Conflicting google search results (shocking) give a wide variety of explanations about the origin of the holiday, but there is a consensus. It is ancient and usually is connected with bloodbaths or war.
I will not mince words. I have a very difficult time with this holiday. I think the biggest difficulty I have with it is that it gets to me every year. The more I fight, the more I try to ignore it, somehow in some ways I ALWAYS feel a little less loved on this day. Ironic yes? And perhaps it is the fact that it's been thrown in my face over and over this week that I am, once again, single. The hurting kind of single- clearly and recently and newly single. Not the bad kind, just the hurting, heavy kind. "I was a heavy heart to carry."
I do have a few thoughts of love these days. It's wonderful to feel surrounded by the Love of others and I have been blessed with a life full of love. Loving parents, loving sisters, loving roommates, and most important a Loving God. Taking these things for granted most of my life, it's overwhelming how evident these things have been in the past few weeks, which have been, to be quite honest, some of the most difficult emotionally I can remember. I LOVE that love never stops loving. The more it is generated the more it generates in order to generate more.
I will not mince words. I have a very difficult time with this holiday. I think the biggest difficulty I have with it is that it gets to me every year. The more I fight, the more I try to ignore it, somehow in some ways I ALWAYS feel a little less loved on this day. Ironic yes? And perhaps it is the fact that it's been thrown in my face over and over this week that I am, once again, single. The hurting kind of single- clearly and recently and newly single. Not the bad kind, just the hurting, heavy kind. "I was a heavy heart to carry."
I do have a few thoughts of love these days. It's wonderful to feel surrounded by the Love of others and I have been blessed with a life full of love. Loving parents, loving sisters, loving roommates, and most important a Loving God. Taking these things for granted most of my life, it's overwhelming how evident these things have been in the past few weeks, which have been, to be quite honest, some of the most difficult emotionally I can remember. I LOVE that love never stops loving. The more it is generated the more it generates in order to generate more.
For words like lillies...
Oh how I miss words!
Publishing an old post five months late, I have come to realize how fantastic it is to share meaningful, true, albeit simple words. It is the truth about these words that makes them powerful I think. Just one of oh-so-many learnings from the countless hours of band wagon deep discussions.
That's right, ladies and gents, I literally "hopped on the band wagon" every day for my entire summer. (betcha didn't see that joke coming ;-P) And we did come to love that mode of transportation, whipping through old nauvoo at a head whirling pace of 2 MPH, gracing the streets with our music as a 16 piece band. How many times in your life have you ridden a band wagon?! Now I can say I have at least 100 times. I didn't just ride either, I was PART of the band on the band wagon. Check that off the bucket list. (confession: sometimes when I do unexpected wonderful things, I add them to my bucket list just so I can check them off. It feels that I'm accomplishing something with my life)
Long summer short, it was an incredible, dross burning, out of my comfort zone, wonderful, at times horrible, very difficult 3 and a half months. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Come chat, we'll talk Nauvoo sometime if you are interested and I will tell you all about the stories, the senior missionaries, the root beer at the red brick store, the lillypads on the river, the testimonies that exponentially grew, the living across the street from the Nauvoo temple, the eye opening discussions and quiet, desprate moments of prayer. You get the idea. And just in case you were wondering, consider the lillies, God always makes good on His promises. I am not destitute and starving and I have a direction in life.
Currently, some new adventures include getting a full time job at a daycare/preschool, playing the bass clarinet in the murray symphony and three of my very dear best friends getting married within the next six months. Bring it on!
Love you all, my faithful few.
Publishing an old post five months late, I have come to realize how fantastic it is to share meaningful, true, albeit simple words. It is the truth about these words that makes them powerful I think. Just one of oh-so-many learnings from the countless hours of band wagon deep discussions.
That's right, ladies and gents, I literally "hopped on the band wagon" every day for my entire summer. (betcha didn't see that joke coming ;-P) And we did come to love that mode of transportation, whipping through old nauvoo at a head whirling pace of 2 MPH, gracing the streets with our music as a 16 piece band. How many times in your life have you ridden a band wagon?! Now I can say I have at least 100 times. I didn't just ride either, I was PART of the band on the band wagon. Check that off the bucket list. (confession: sometimes when I do unexpected wonderful things, I add them to my bucket list just so I can check them off. It feels that I'm accomplishing something with my life)
Long summer short, it was an incredible, dross burning, out of my comfort zone, wonderful, at times horrible, very difficult 3 and a half months. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Come chat, we'll talk Nauvoo sometime if you are interested and I will tell you all about the stories, the senior missionaries, the root beer at the red brick store, the lillypads on the river, the testimonies that exponentially grew, the living across the street from the Nauvoo temple, the eye opening discussions and quiet, desprate moments of prayer. You get the idea. And just in case you were wondering, consider the lillies, God always makes good on His promises. I am not destitute and starving and I have a direction in life.
Currently, some new adventures include getting a full time job at a daycare/preschool, playing the bass clarinet in the murray symphony and three of my very dear best friends getting married within the next six months. Bring it on!
Love you all, my faithful few.
For the deserving...
Here is a mystery for you. It's easier to find one seat alone than two together and yet we still prefer the latter. THAT is a mystery and a miracle.
Another one for you to consider, big things are nice but the small things are better, especially if small things are grouped together. People are best.
And again? I DO want to go but I do not want to leave. That is the honest truth. It is exciting to prepare to go out and serve the Lord again, in a way that will utalize the gifts He has given me. People will come from all over the world to feel the spirit of Nauvoo and I get to contribute to the spirit. What an honor and a privilage! It's not even the grueling 12 plus hour days that worries me. As many of you know I have been called as a performing missionary in the Nauvoo Brass Band! All summer, I will be hanging out with 15 others just about as nerdy as me playing for the people who visit beautiful Nauvoo. Can you say dream mission?
It's hard to leave, though. Even if only for three and a half months. Drain my "savings", give a sweet summer away, knowing I have very little if any direction for when I return. I suppose thats what the Lord gave us the anecdote to consider the lillies, how they grow.
How dare you, heart, making commitments without my permission! Well, that's stretching the truth a bit.
Another one for you to consider, big things are nice but the small things are better, especially if small things are grouped together. People are best.
And again? I DO want to go but I do not want to leave. That is the honest truth. It is exciting to prepare to go out and serve the Lord again, in a way that will utalize the gifts He has given me. People will come from all over the world to feel the spirit of Nauvoo and I get to contribute to the spirit. What an honor and a privilage! It's not even the grueling 12 plus hour days that worries me. As many of you know I have been called as a performing missionary in the Nauvoo Brass Band! All summer, I will be hanging out with 15 others just about as nerdy as me playing for the people who visit beautiful Nauvoo. Can you say dream mission?
It's hard to leave, though. Even if only for three and a half months. Drain my "savings", give a sweet summer away, knowing I have very little if any direction for when I return. I suppose thats what the Lord gave us the anecdote to consider the lillies, how they grow.
How dare you, heart, making commitments without my permission! Well, that's stretching the truth a bit.
Friday, February 22, 2013
For those who fall...
Drafting my thoughts gets harder and harder it seems. Obsessed with saying things exactly the right way, writing gets more difficult when there really is no way to say things exactly right. The fear of sounding superficial and naive often causes me to draft a post and never publish it. In my mind, my words should never sound like the chorus of a Taylor Swift song. Actually, that would be one of my worst nightmares. The typical "what hurts the most", "never never never never (to the 3rd power) getting back together", "somebody I used to know" are fine for certain times, but rarely do they dig deep enough to be anything close to cathartic.
This post is about falling. An ice skating outing with my sisters on President's Day proved to be more enlightening then I thought Ice Skating could be, especially in a simple, crowded oval rink. It was wonderful to spend time with my sisters. I think back on the days that we used to breathe each others air all the time, and that was just too much for us.
Anyway, aside from that, I took a moment to observe all the children out on the ice and different reactions they were having to being on a terribly slippery, cold surface, some for the first time, some with a little more experience. There was the girl who was clinging to the edge that needed endless encouragement and reassurance from a loving grandma. Then there were those in the middle who were obviously struggling but didn't seem to fear trying to go as fast as they could and fall every 10 seconds or so. And there was the girl who clearly had dreams of Olympic figure skating dreams in her future. I have to admit, my childhood dreams of being so graceful came flooding back as I watched her. But, I have learned in my 25 years that grace just isn't my forte. I skated on, observing, and wondered how many falls this little girl maybe 10 years old had taken in order to be as graceful and confident as she appeared. I wondered what the parents had taught the children who didn't seem to be afraid to fall.
Simply put, it became really clear to me how okay it is to fall down, especially if it means taking a risk or two or a hundred, even if it hurts. Even more so impressed upon my mind was the idea of how much I want my children to know that it is okay to fall down, instead of fearing, clinging desperately to the edge of the rink. It is okay, even necessary, to fall and to hurt a little. What's that famous Micheal Jordan quote? The reason he is as great as he is is that he has missed game winning shots thousands of times. Something like that. The only person defeated is the person that stays down, or even has no reason to go down at all.
It is wonderful to know that getting up is always an option. I saw many parents, siblings and friends lifting up and comforting and encouraging. Being lifted or lifting others, both sides is beautiful. It is important to be happy, yes, but it is important to allow comfort in also. Sometimes, I just need to be lifted. And that suddenly seemed quite acceptable.
This post is about falling. An ice skating outing with my sisters on President's Day proved to be more enlightening then I thought Ice Skating could be, especially in a simple, crowded oval rink. It was wonderful to spend time with my sisters. I think back on the days that we used to breathe each others air all the time, and that was just too much for us.
Anyway, aside from that, I took a moment to observe all the children out on the ice and different reactions they were having to being on a terribly slippery, cold surface, some for the first time, some with a little more experience. There was the girl who was clinging to the edge that needed endless encouragement and reassurance from a loving grandma. Then there were those in the middle who were obviously struggling but didn't seem to fear trying to go as fast as they could and fall every 10 seconds or so. And there was the girl who clearly had dreams of Olympic figure skating dreams in her future. I have to admit, my childhood dreams of being so graceful came flooding back as I watched her. But, I have learned in my 25 years that grace just isn't my forte. I skated on, observing, and wondered how many falls this little girl maybe 10 years old had taken in order to be as graceful and confident as she appeared. I wondered what the parents had taught the children who didn't seem to be afraid to fall.
Simply put, it became really clear to me how okay it is to fall down, especially if it means taking a risk or two or a hundred, even if it hurts. Even more so impressed upon my mind was the idea of how much I want my children to know that it is okay to fall down, instead of fearing, clinging desperately to the edge of the rink. It is okay, even necessary, to fall and to hurt a little. What's that famous Micheal Jordan quote? The reason he is as great as he is is that he has missed game winning shots thousands of times. Something like that. The only person defeated is the person that stays down, or even has no reason to go down at all.
It is wonderful to know that getting up is always an option. I saw many parents, siblings and friends lifting up and comforting and encouraging. Being lifted or lifting others, both sides is beautiful. It is important to be happy, yes, but it is important to allow comfort in also. Sometimes, I just need to be lifted. And that suddenly seemed quite acceptable.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
for those who fear fear....
Perhaps The Biggest Looser motivation-to-evaluate-and-change-my-life-for-the-better bug has me caught. Maybe it's the inspiring back up music as we viewers relate to the lives of those changing on the show, or maybe it's the intensely predictable but oh-so-effective deceiving commercial breaks leaving us in anticipation for those silly beeping numbers to finally settle. In any case, reflecting upon the past seems to often be at the forefrtont of my mind.
Events have occurred, discussions have been had and decisions have been made in the past couple days that have led me to face the obvious truth that I am no longer the Melanie Pehrson of 2 years ago. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I have certainly grown out of and from that Melanie that 2 years ago had no idea what lessons the Supreme Creator had in store for me. So many people have been patient as I have struggled, fought and dragged myself through slim, muck, snow, rearenders, breakups, poor scores, low self esteem...all sorts of mists of darkness.
As I have mentioned before, days, weeks and sometimes months I felt like I did nothing but fall backwards, submitting over and over to mediocrity at best, which fortunately blew holes in my pride every time. But something miraculous was happening all along that process that still I'm just comprehending. Heavenly Father is doing exactly what he said he would do! Imagine that. The Omniscient, Omnipotent Being has lived up to His Word. I feel my heart and motivation changing. I feel love purer than ever for myself and for those around me and I am learning the ever-learned lesson that through faith, everything that is expedient for me to accomplish what I need to accomplish will be given.
Sifting through doubts does more than ignoring doubts ever did. Considering them, examining why they are there, analyzing their validity and putting them in their proper place is much more effective for me than pushing them aside, trying to avoid, fearing that some great truth might come by and, Heaven forbid, help me realize that I might need to change a few things.
These are the scattered 1:30AM thoughts of a girl who isn't feeling quite at home right now, in a house sitting job in a condo that is not my own. Who am I, really? Not who I was two years ago. Starting now, I don't have to be tied down by my doubts or fears or even my fears of my doubts.
Events have occurred, discussions have been had and decisions have been made in the past couple days that have led me to face the obvious truth that I am no longer the Melanie Pehrson of 2 years ago. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I have certainly grown out of and from that Melanie that 2 years ago had no idea what lessons the Supreme Creator had in store for me. So many people have been patient as I have struggled, fought and dragged myself through slim, muck, snow, rearenders, breakups, poor scores, low self esteem...all sorts of mists of darkness.
As I have mentioned before, days, weeks and sometimes months I felt like I did nothing but fall backwards, submitting over and over to mediocrity at best, which fortunately blew holes in my pride every time. But something miraculous was happening all along that process that still I'm just comprehending. Heavenly Father is doing exactly what he said he would do! Imagine that. The Omniscient, Omnipotent Being has lived up to His Word. I feel my heart and motivation changing. I feel love purer than ever for myself and for those around me and I am learning the ever-learned lesson that through faith, everything that is expedient for me to accomplish what I need to accomplish will be given.
Sifting through doubts does more than ignoring doubts ever did. Considering them, examining why they are there, analyzing their validity and putting them in their proper place is much more effective for me than pushing them aside, trying to avoid, fearing that some great truth might come by and, Heaven forbid, help me realize that I might need to change a few things.
These are the scattered 1:30AM thoughts of a girl who isn't feeling quite at home right now, in a house sitting job in a condo that is not my own. Who am I, really? Not who I was two years ago. Starting now, I don't have to be tied down by my doubts or fears or even my fears of my doubts.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
for the college graduate...
The graduation portion of my life feels surreal. In all actuality, most of my life seems surreal right now. But...they tell me I've done it so I suppose I must believe them.
I have now been home from my mission for two years and one day. I have graduated with my BMU in Instrumental Performance. I have successfully learned that grades are really not all they are cracked up to be and relationships are more important than the world makes them out to be. I have attended the temple regularly for two years, once a week, every week. (or pretty close) I have moved to the great city of Holladay (I still don't know how to spell it!) into a great apartment with three wonderful roommates. What tender mercies in a time that I felt like I was getting no where fast! Somehow, with all my missteps and wrong turns, Heavenly Father got me where I needed to be at this time, surrounded by people He knew I would need.
What now? says every college student ever including me. I have many options, most of them good. Or I could just run home, and spend my life in my families basement. I suppose choosing between bad and good has never been a trouble for me. It's the choosing between the good and the better that's the struggle. Oh, and when "best" gets thrown into the mix, well that just may be too much. I spend so much time consumed in concerns of which road will lead me to just the right place at just the right time and forget to get out of my own head and realize that there are bucket lists to be explored and people to care about and relaxing to be had.
I am looking forward with anticipation to a life full of steps, maybe missed, and turns that might be wrong in order to do the best I can at learning and doing what I need to do to make a difference in the world like I want. The ability to create is phenomenal and this is the gift I would like to cultivate for the future. I have goals to commence creation of music, better lives, smiles, happiness, testimony, conversion, families, and joy. What better use of my degree is there?
I have now been home from my mission for two years and one day. I have graduated with my BMU in Instrumental Performance. I have successfully learned that grades are really not all they are cracked up to be and relationships are more important than the world makes them out to be. I have attended the temple regularly for two years, once a week, every week. (or pretty close) I have moved to the great city of Holladay (I still don't know how to spell it!) into a great apartment with three wonderful roommates. What tender mercies in a time that I felt like I was getting no where fast! Somehow, with all my missteps and wrong turns, Heavenly Father got me where I needed to be at this time, surrounded by people He knew I would need.
What now? says every college student ever including me. I have many options, most of them good. Or I could just run home, and spend my life in my families basement. I suppose choosing between bad and good has never been a trouble for me. It's the choosing between the good and the better that's the struggle. Oh, and when "best" gets thrown into the mix, well that just may be too much. I spend so much time consumed in concerns of which road will lead me to just the right place at just the right time and forget to get out of my own head and realize that there are bucket lists to be explored and people to care about and relaxing to be had.
I am looking forward with anticipation to a life full of steps, maybe missed, and turns that might be wrong in order to do the best I can at learning and doing what I need to do to make a difference in the world like I want. The ability to create is phenomenal and this is the gift I would like to cultivate for the future. I have goals to commence creation of music, better lives, smiles, happiness, testimony, conversion, families, and joy. What better use of my degree is there?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
